I have problems committing to friends.

I’ve been betrayed horribly by some of the closest people in my life, multiple times, by different people. And it’s left a mark.

But, in reality, I LOVE people. I love seeing different walks of life. I love seeing different viewpoints. I love being able to joke and have fun.

But, also, I’m scared when we get close. Because in some weird sense, I truly value you. We can “get” one another and not even have to be serious. 

That’s why, in all honesty, I jump from screen name to screen name every four months. Or make a new tumblr. Or never look at my friends list. Or even really put effort after a while.

Because people have *always* given up on me. In some flawed and twisted way… I want to stop being so close so I don’t live up to the expectation.

I want to stop making people smile and think I’m cool, when in reality my insecurities rule my life.

I want people to not get close — not for my benefit — but in some way, I’ve conditioned myself to believe that people have hurt me because I wasn’t enough.

Friend, family, lover, whatever. 

I’ve become nomadic, in a sense, and I fucking hate it.

I smile and say I love everyone and miss them, but in reality I’m hiding from them because I don’t want them to see the person I really can be. 

I’m really fucked up when it comes down to it and I just don’t want people, even some of my close friends, to see me this way.